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finals equal puh-l-easy! [18 Dec 2006|05:33pm] [ music | Five Minutes to Midnight -- Boys Like Girls ] school is duh. great. because I'm a genius. only because I have to actually put forth effort in a little before finals like always. friends are, for the most part, a breeze. I'm reintroducing Tique back into my life, and I am very much enjoying it so far. we had a, not even a misunderstanding or anything, thing yesterday. I was frustrated with the holidays again, and I tried explaining it, but she wasn't giving me any time to explain myself. but I didn't want to make too big a deal of it. and the boys and I are still planning to go se Bekah on Friday. 4 days to Bekah :) I doubt I could get much happier. the most important people in my life are finally meeting. Bekah knows all this stuff about them, but they know so little about her, and what they do know may not be the best part of her personality, but it is a big part of it, and they love her even more for it. We're all so excited. Merry Christmas. Make your own miracles. <3 Ash

goodluck to you sir [14 Dec 2006|01:52am] blah. just blah. why is it that when you think things are going to get bad, and then they don't, you stop worrying about it, and that's when they get bad? well, I guess things aren't really bad yet, but trouble is definitely pending. it is sort of my fault, but not really. but I am just as much to blame if anything happens. I have been wanting this to happen for a while now, but after everything that has happened I'm not sure if I still want it to happen. I don't know. another complicated emotion in the life of me. 9 days left to Bekah. watch out.

Wuzz Haninin' [05 Dec 2006|10:20pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | camp lazlo ] 2 weeks left of school before break. good. I'm tired of school. and doctors. and medicine. and everything. I'm glad it's christmas time. that means no doctors and no school for 2 weeks at least. just relaxing. being with kyle and the rest of the posse. the feeling of christmas hasn't hit me yet. I guess maybe because things are different this year. I am not quite sure... I want my car back. I want to drive down low with the street. I want to hug the turns. I want to feel the road. I want to do things on my terms. I want to make decisions and have an opinion again. I want my freedom. I want to get out. things just feel extra weird because I made up with Tique, but things still don't feel right. I thought when we got back together life would be perfect again, but I was wrong. I can't freak on her anymore. i have no more outlet. i don't want to explode anymore. i don't want anyone to hurt. i want to be ok without medicine. i don't want to take it. why dont they understand. doctos tell you you are sick and you take their medicine. you arent really sick. they just want to make a profit off you. they dont care about you. you are just another patient. no name without a chart. they dont know or care about you. they are full of lies. the only one that can make you better is you. you have to want it. you have to breathe it. you have to live it. believe you are ok and you are ok. sickness is a state of mind. sickness is a mind with no control. learn to control yourself. dont worry about the shortcuts. they arent as good for you as the scenic route. just breathe. just find your zen. open yourself to infinity. you can make yourself ok if you believe you can. I've done it before and I will do it again. I know all this yet i cant bringmyself to do it. i am so happy but at the same time i want to go off and curl up in a dark corner and just... yeah. that boy of mine makes me happiest and i force myself to be ok when i am around him but its getting harder and harder to pull off. i am not getting worse i am just losing control bit by bit. the little bit of control i have had since the accident is slipping away. i dont know if it gave up on me or if i gave up on it. i just dont want him to worry about me anymore. i want him to be happy. and i want to be the reason he is happy. but that wont happen until i make myself ok. andthat wont happen until i let it.

We still remember [13 Oct 2006|11:30pm] [ music | Seminole Wind ] everything that went on the last times we were together. Almost a whole year and Bekah and I remember every last detail. Remember remember the fifth of November. We do :) I had fun seeing Bekah today, even though we went to Ross instead of just chilling at home. That female makes me happy. I'm tired of some people. I don't know. We just keep clashing and it's bothering me. Yes, I have an attitude towards her, but I've told her a couple times before what my problem is and she just gets pissy about it and doesn't change, then complains when I get an attitude again. Then she complains how I've been spending so much time with one person, so I move on to another person, then I get complaints on that. She and I both have a job now, we obviously can't spend as much time together. And when she works, I normally go hang out over there. So I can't hang out with her boyfriend because she doesn't trust anyone with him, and I can't hang out with my boyfriend because she hasn't hung out with him really since before his birthday and her boyfriend doesn't get a chance to hang out with him either. And this is my fault, obviously. Because I call to see what he is doing and if he wants to hang out with me and no one else calls him. My bad... I didn't know I wasn't allowed to do that. And I'm tired of just being a chaffeur, pretty much. I hate driving now. Kyle gets back sometime on Sunday. I don't get to see him until Tuesday. but I won't be hanging out with him for a few days so I can fix this crap. Happy Birthday, Ashley. You get to spend a week making everyone else happy because Tique doesn't want to have any problems for homecoming weekend. Whatever. It'll just be another bullshit birthday to add on to the list.

So I've Decided [01 Oct 2006|10:48am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Pokemon Theme Song ] that Kyle, Tique, and Gage are the best medicine in the world. They are kind of my life. And I prefer things to stay that way. :) The End p.s. no word from Bekah yet... :(

Graduation Dayyy [29 Sep 2006|12:05pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Bohemian Rhapsody ] Today is Bekah's graduation. All I have to do is find some tulips and get them to her house before she gets home tomorrow. I told her I'd get her tulips, and I am not going to lie to her. Or break a promise. That is the ultimate No-No in my book. I can't wait until my phon rings and I see her name on my caller ID. oooooohmigoshhh. I can't even describe how much I have missed this girl. I packed up my room the other day with Gage. Like... it's all packed up. I just have to pack up the trophies and old clothes in my closet. He kept asking if I needed things and I just kept looking at him and I kept saying no as I remebered all of the memories. Most of that junk were little things I kept to remember what happened. Like my 14th birthday party and my HUGE crush from 5th grade. It was so weird throwing away all my stuff. All that I wanted to keep, really, were the stuffed animals. But I have to put those in another box to put in storage. I don't have room for them, and it's probably not a good idea to have out all the stuffed animals Bradley gave me. This whole moving thing is really weird. I love the new house, but at the same time... it's not home. I don't know. I guess it i just going to take some getting used to. My heart/chest has been really bothering me all week. I don't understand why. Dr. Stickney said it's not in my lungs. Dr. Nadimi said all my heart information is right where it needs to be. I'm taking xanax and tylenol when I have pain. I don't want my heart anymore. And apparently Drew is going to cut out my pancreas so I can get diabetes since it's so much fun. Today is Drew's last day at Watch World. It's really sad. But he got my a HUGE lucky penny, so things will be okay. And he's going to get me sunglasses at his discount price at the new store. I'm going to miss him. I'll go see him a lot, though. CONGRATULATIONS REBEKAH RIVERA!!!! 1

:) [13 Sep 2006|11:32pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Steady as She Goes - The Raconteurs ] <3 my friends equal amazing recently. I had so much fun tonight at O'Charley's. and going to Gage's and playing HALO with Kyle. I got in a few legit kills before he started messing with me, so I am pretty much a happy camper. and it's my baby's birthday this weekend, and I am super excited. as I keep saying. and just so you know, I love my job. sure it's a pain in the ass being bored all the time, but I love all the people around me. the mall is pretty much the coolest place to work ever. be jealous.

guess who gets their laptop tomorrow? [11 Sep 2006|10:02pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | The Great Escape - Boys Like Girls ] that'd be a ME! and that means I no longer have to deal with my sister's computer and her crap about it and everyone wanting to get all up in my room. :) yay.

don't worry bout it [10 Sep 2006|12:36am] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Seven Deadly Sins - Flogging Molly ] so today I got my haircut. trimmed, actually, so I don't care if no one notices. my hair feels healthy. and I like that. and I got to talk to Ms. Sherry. It was a lot of fun. and we pretty much think the same way about pretty much everything. I love it. I love her. and the Janney's in general. they are kind of amazing and the loves of my life. at work today, Brilee asked me if I had gone a day without thinking about it yet, and I said no, and she told me she was glad she wasn't the only one. and it is still really hard to think about and I can't really grasp the concept that he's still not there for her to go home to. and finding out that creekland is raising money for them is just really weird. I can't even imagine how they must be feeling. and the croc hunter decides to go and die in the most retarded way ever, so that sucks some more. even though things aren't perfect right now, I am happy. because I have Kyle and Chantique. Espcially Kyle, right now. Him just being around me makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. and I am so excited because it's my baby's birthday next weekend. :) I can't wait to give him his present. I wanna see his reaction. that's my favorite part about birthday presents. except when people don't like your present. or don't care about it. but that's not gonna happen with this present :) so I pretty much have a list of people I have not hung out with in for-freaking-ever, and I want to hang out with them. people like Britta, David, Karen, Catalina, Yolimaris, and Bradley. that's my beef with having a job. after I get off, people have already planned out what I am doing so I don't get to see them much anymore. and it's like we all have our own groups now and it's really weird. my core posse has changed so much and I've missed out on all these things going on in my friend's lives. it's like we've been too busy getting closer to new friends to stay close with the "old" ones. it makes me sad thinking about not talking to some of those people for the rest of my life, and I really don't like that. I love them just as much as I always have even though I don't really show it all the time and I want to hang out with them so they know it, too. 4

RIP Mr. Ahlstrand (August 31, 2006) [03 Sep 2006|09:18am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | thr sound of a fan in the kitchen ] so my supposed to be amazing weekend has def not been. the day will seem like it will be going ok but right before I know it WHAM! I'm pretty sure I was wrong. My one month anniversary = cancelled out by Becka's dad. My day with Kyle = ruined squared. Work with Brilee = mummy hand So today is the funeral. We're meeting Becka up at the cemetary for the burial. It's so weird, I never expected anything like this to ever happen. To her or to any of us. Even with my dad constantly talking about things like that, I still thought it could never happen to us. It's so upsetting knowing I can't really do anything besides just be there for her. It's so hard looking at her when we have our moments when people stop talking and seeing her eyes. She's so upset but she can't cry. She has to be strong for her girls. And seeing Jessi come down the stairs after talking on the phone, a few tears left on her cheek, I have to choke back tears. And beautiful little Gla... When I first saw her Friday, I wanted to just scoop her into my arms and hugg away her tears. I love that family and I need them to be happy. It just won't feel right without him around.

Pretty Sure [27 Aug 2006|11:27pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | I'm In Heaven (When You Kiss Me) -- ATC ] yup. I'm pretty sure my weekend was fairly decent. because I don't have very many complaints about it. and those are, of course, selfish complaints. and I really hope next weekend goes very well, also. it would be a nice tradition. so let's just keep our fingers crossed for next weekend. :)

Death Gotta BE Easy Cuz Life Is Hard [22 Aug 2006|11:09pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Many Men - 50 cent ] the day was not at all what I expected it to be. which sucks. because I wanted a good day. I got a friend mad at me, I got told I couldn't see a friend, and a friend got killed. the friend being Freckles, one of Tique's and my new fish. all of this on top of being sick. oh wait. something that made me laugh today... replied to a bulliten of Randyn's and we flipped out on each other, he said he never wanted to talk to me again, and then I get all sweet and care free and he ended up apologizing and now we're allowed to talk again. hahaha. all because I decided to start out subtle sarcastic mode, then move into whatever mode, and then into sweet mode. I finally figured him out.

popcorn and pennies [12 Aug 2006|11:53pm] [ mood | frazzleddddd ] [ music | Let's Groove Tonight -- Earth, Wind, and Fire ] today I saw Kyle. and he said something that just made me speechless. you see. Randyn always beat it into my head that I was only pretty with stick straight hair and make up on. so I was excited when I found out that my mom is going to buy me new make up since I had to throw mine away when I got pink eye. so I told Kyle I was excited because I was going to be pretty again. and he told me I already was. and I said I'd be prettier, and he told me he didn't think that was possible. I just looked at him and I could just feel my eyes light up for this boy. I mean, here I am with my unstraightened hair in a sloppy bun since I hadn't brushed my hair since the night before and no make up, and for the first time since I was with Bradley, I felt like someone genuinely thought I was beautiful without trying to be. I really like that kid.

the way i do what i do [11 Aug 2006|01:58am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | Me & U -- Cassie ] dear diary. I miss bekah. a lot. she is supposed to come home for next weekend, but with her luck for the past forever, I don't know if she will actually come. it's rather depressing actually. i want to see her so badly. and hopefully she'll be home for good next month. if she's not here for my birthday, i'm going to be really upset. and I'mma pop caps. school starts monday. that's exciting and depressing at the same time. but whatever. i'm stuck going for 180 days whether i like it or not. I wanna see my kyle. :( have a nice day.

supaa dupaaa [08 Aug 2006|09:20pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | mrs doubtfire ] so I found it interesting that things kept going wrong the other night for the plans I was supposed to be in on. though it is terrible to say, I must say it: hahahahaha. end of that. AT WORK YESTERDAY: I got in a fight with the popcorn maker. and the cash register. at the same time. but I won :) after I called the manager a few million times. but in the end I made $10 in tips. and the bonus. and really cute Trevor from the diamond store across the hall thinks I'm cute. and Maryland from the other diamond store from down the hall invited me to go see her and her diamonds. so it was a good day for money and diamonds, I guess. deuces

well then [06 Aug 2006|09:59pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | Wings of a Butterfly - HIM ] I decided that I was overreacting to the whole situation. I have done the same thing to them before, so I can't freak out about it if I'm going to go off and do it myself. I'm not going to lie, it still has me really pissed off, but I just kind of realized it wasn't that big of a deal. You know, whatever. Just go with it. I went shopping today with my mom and brother. It was kind of fun. Then we went bowling with Juan. It doesn't get much better than that.

suck asss [05 Aug 2006|10:24pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Do It To It - Cherish ] everything involved in my day, minus the money and Bradley and Catalina, sucked. and I have a busy day at work to thank for it. oh, and friends who let me down. I know I am being more dramatic about it than I should be, probably, but I don't care. it was the only thing I was looking forward to about my day, it was the reason I didn't want to go too far out of town for my only bit of actual vacation. I had one tiny request but apparently no one cared enough about me and my feelings so they went off without me. now I have no one to bring on my "vacation" and I'm left to just sulk for a while because that's all I do when I'm upset. I won't give them the satisfaction of me crying. I won't stop being friends with them, but they just lost a lot of priveleges that they USED TO have. and a lot of respect. my daddy told me I should never trust my friends so much because you're just inviting them to hurt you at that point. if you don't trust someone, they can't let you down. I knew about no expectations, no disappointments. that's how I've been doing my summer. but I guess maybe I need to adjust how I'm going to do my school year? Catalina and Bradley are the only ones who made me feel good after the suckage of my life took affect. I can always count on them, and I trust them. It would kill me if they ever betrayed that trust, but I trust them not to. I love them with everything I have in my heart, body, and soul. They truly are my favorites.

wowww [04 Aug 2006|12:49am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | ........ ] I woke up early to shop. it was very successful. I enjoyed myself. oh yeah, and Ace, the new guy at Race Track thinks I'm retarded because I'm not used to paying cash for gas. yup. he had to come pump the gas for me. throughout the day I hung out a little over here a little over there and it was nice. but the end of the day, whoooosh. friggin chilis. I am very anti chilis feeling right now. why? let's just say it does not taste as good the second time around. mmhmmm. I'm still really sore and swollen and my tummy stills hurts, but I'm a trooper. I will survive. oh, and to top things off, Randyn and I are fighting via myspace. sweet, huh? p.s. I got to talk to Kyle today. for about 20 seconds, but it was enough to make me happy. and I forgot the other thing I wanted to say, but whatever. deuces.

she's a man eater [02 Aug 2006|10:47pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Sexy Little Thug - Beyonce ] DON'T READ THiS PART iF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ME RANT: I do not like boys right now. except for Kyle. he's still good. friggin Randyn ruined my day after it was made in-FREAKING-credible by getting 2 letters from Bekah. he calls me after work like I asked him to, and he said he wanted me to call him when I got there and tell him where to meet him. I also told him to meet me at 6.45. I call when I get there and tell him to meet me at the fountain. what does he do? ask if I can go get him. whattheheckkk? I tell him no and tell him he was supposed to be there right then so he says I'll be there in 5 minutes.15 minutes later... he shows up. we get in line, and he asks what is wrong with me after we move like 2 feet after being there for 10 minutes. I tell him then he starts freaking out on me saying that I have no reason to be freaking out right then and he's telling me not to when he's the one who made me freak out after I told him I didn't want to tell him just then. so I threw in his face the bitch about it later thing he always fussed at me about. mmm... that boy. I was there for a friggin hour and we didn't get to see the movie. the movie filled up while we were still in line. it never would have happened if the retard had been on time. then we're walking out and he just speeds up without saying bye so I was like, whatever. then when he gets off the escalator, he waits at the bottom for a minute then walks off and says love you bye and blew a kiss. i am sorry. you do not do that to your ex girlfriend. that whole... blowing a kiss and saying love you. you just don't do it. ughhhhh. I am so pissed off. I don't think I can even handle being friends with this kid anymore. we're fine as long as we're not on the phone or in person. texting and online is all I can handle without getting pissed at him, and half the time that doesn't even help. just... ugh. I wish it weren't illegal to kill people. things would be nice if we were in seperate countries and in the respective armies. I wanna be the US. he can be Japan. go all... WWII. and I could blow his ass up and not get in trouble for it because it's my job to beat him. the only good thing that came out of my evening with Randyn is a free movie pass that we were compensated with. that will def come in handy and I can see a movie that I actually have an interest in seeing. yay. after being around retard I had an ok time. we were man hating on brittany's patio for a while. stupid Gage... ugh. would not come see us even after I was freaking out on him saying he needed to come cheer me up but nooo.... it's not worth it. I hope Kyle and I don't fight for a LOOOOOOONG time, if at all. I'm tired of fighting. that's why I waited so long for a relationship. but whatever. there's no way I'll ever hate Kyle even a smidgen as much as I hate Randyn. oh and the world is a better place for that fact. 2

chocolat au lait [02 Aug 2006|01:23am] [ mood | content ] [ music | Eso Ehh ] Today was rather full of fun. I walked and met Catalina half way because I decided today I was NOT driving. and what happened? after Catalina left and Tique got here, we went to Kohl's. haha, oops. well, we were planning on getting all this stuff, but at checkout the card didn't work. Mama gave her the wrong card, and we were angry. The shirts were sooo cute. They made us happy. But no. uh-uh. So we went and picked up Gage. He surprised Tique with a HUGE swordfish. It's bigger than us. no joke. She was so happy, it was really cute. We hung out at my dad's house for a while until I took them home. Today it became clear to me that Gage and I are really close. I mean, I knew that before, but it's gotten to the point where I can just tell by looking at him when he doesn't feel well. He acts differently and his eyes aren't the same. His face gets some weird expression that is only slighty different from his default face. It makes me happy knowing I know him so well. But it makes me sad when I have to see him like that. My dad is moving into the new house September 1st. That is also the first day I am legally allowed to drive people around. I am very excited. And my dad has already agreed to make this doctor guy's house. It is a $5 million deal. It will take a while but I know that in the end it will really pay off and my dad will be happy again. He needed a big break like this to get him going again. He lost his confidence as a home bulider, but he's getting it back because of this deal. My daddy being happy makes me happy. Cuz we all know, no one messes with Saddam. Tomorrow I am hanging out with Randyn. It is going to be weird because it will be the first time we have hung out since we broke out, and we're going to end up being alone. It was supposed to be a group, but everyone else lost their invitations to go to the show. Except maybe Brilee. I shall have to call her tomorrow and find out. I don't want it to be just the 2 of us. I just don't think it would be right, would it? But whatever, we're going no matter what because it's my birthday present to him. Peace, homie.

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